When I came out last fall, there were some people I didn't quite get to with the news. It seemed a little superfluous to sit down with, say, friends from high school who I saw only a few times a year and have a serious conversation about my sexual orientation. The result of that technique was ultimately a lot of confusion: I had told a few of my closest friends, so I knew that others would pick it up through the grapevine. Also, a few of the friends I hadn't told had stumbled across this journal, where I (obviously) occasionally discuss my sexuality-- of course, that "occasional" bit just added to the confusion, as I couldn't be sure if they had come across it on an "out" day or not.
You can understand, then, why being at home with my old friends is a little strange sometimes. It would be easiest if I were either completely out or completely closeted with everyone, but of course I went the hard route and fall somewhere in between. It's awkward, plain and simple. I'm never sure how open to be about crushes, whether or not to correct someone's use of pronouns, or how explicit to be about my involvement in QU. It's not just that I feel I'm hiding a part of my life, but that I don't know how much I'm hiding, or from whom.
The past few days or so have brought relief in that department, from one friend at least. Bill was one of the friends who had found my journal, which meant I was fairly sure but not totally certain he knew, so I spent a lot of our time together feeling very conscious of pronouns, shall we say. It's not that I ever feared his reaction, because Bill is an all-around open-minded guy, but I didn't want to take him by surprise if he wasn't already aware of my preference. I was talking to him at Kevin's New Year's party, and out of the blue (or perhaps, out of his beers) he mentioned something about me being bi and how that related to my studies in Amsterdam. I did a really quick double take, and then just carried on with the conversation, all the while thinking "I'm so glad we're finally talking about this, I'm so glad we're finally talking about this."
Last night, he and I went out for coffee and had the chance to talk again. As usual for two perpetually dateless friends, we eventually turned to the topic of dating. It was such a huge relief to finally feel like I could be myself around him, instead of speaking ambiguously about dating "someone" or wanting to ask "this person" out. It's funny, I hadn't realized how much I had really been holding back until I didn't have to anymore; it's as if the curtains have been drawn open on this whole area of my life that had been kept in the dark, at least to Bill, for a long time.
Maybe I should come out to people more often.
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